Total Kunt [Interview]

Do you, like me, ever sit and occasionally wonder what the musical equivalent to Bad Santa might be?

If you do, Kunt and the Gang must surely pop up in the top ten, a bit like an unwanted erection at a funeral. Rather nice on one level but rather inappropriate on another, bringing a little wry smile to the face when you know it really shouldn’t. Thinking about your cousins in their tight black funeral dresses, in rather inappropriate ways… possibly.

We managed to catch Kunt during his current Dirty Protest Tour (actually, we fucking booked him, ok?) and witnessed first hand the total past-the-knuckle, bike shed, piss-your-pants humour of the minor internet comedy/music star.  We also attempted to probe (more a backstage fingering actually) the mind of the flaxen haired, gold toothed, Essex fanny magnet.


Kunt opens up for Trebuchet.

Trebuchet : Kunt, we’re not going to try and play Jedi mind tricks to make you reveal your true identity, we know you have a high resistance, so let’s just crack on and start with a look back on your time with Serious Problem.

The band gave us some memorable tunes including ‘Dog Shit’, ‘Fat Bird’, and I believe there was also one called ‘Take That Are Cunts’. Serious Problem, what was it all about and where did it all go wrong?

Kunt: Serious Problem was the first ever band I was in. We were fucking terrible. Then I left and they got really good. I don’t think the two things were related though. They ended up having a massive following and being managed by Ricky Gervais, but before the internet it was very hard to translate that local success into national interest.A picture of Kunt and the Gang by Carl Byron Batson

So now they’re washed up, doing proper jobs and all bitter about my minor internet success.

Have you been in any other bands you want to admit to?

After Serious Problem I was in a keyboard duo with my cousin Andy Kunt, aka ‘And’ Job’, but we split up.

Now he’s washed up, doing a proper job and all bitter about my minor internet success.

Would you say Kunt and the Gang hold any similarities to Ivor Biggun?

I first heard Ivor Biggun when I was a kid and I’ve got a lot of time for his songs, my favourite being ‘Hide The Sausage’. I like to think my stuff shares the celebratory, cheeky, joyful feel of Ivor’s music, but probably, when push comes to shove, some of my subject matter is a bit more gritty.

So a kind of gritty Ivor Biggun. But there would also appear to be a Chas and Dave influence seeping through your music, would that be fair to say? Do you lay awake haunted by the spectral sounds of the duo whilst watching repeats of Countdown?

I fucking love Chas and Dave. I’m sure in years to come they will be looked at as having documented a side of life that has all but disappeared, when families did stuff together then went down the rub-a-dub for a sing song round the old Joanna. A much happier time, when if you saw a bird bending over it was fair game to give her a ‘Davidson’ (a smack on the bum with a little bonus bit of back minge).

Talking of birds, have you attempted to contact Rachel Riley since she split with her husband?

Not yet. I’ve been doing my research to make sure I get my approach just right. I’ve found out where Rachel goes clubbing in Southend so I’m gonna turn up and win her over with the love song I wrote for her. If that doesn’t work I’ll show her my step-perfect rendition of Kevin Bacon’s angry warehouse dance from Footloose. Failing that I’ll have to use the drink sprinkles.

If you had the choice between Riley and Vorderman, whom would you go for?

If forced to choose, these days it would have to be Riley but I loved Carol for so many years and there are still lingering feelings, so obviously I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to smash her back doors in.

I’m high fiving that. Moving back to your live shows, I’m guessing some people think you step too far over the line, even at your gigs. Are people still trying to assault you when you are onstage? What’s been the worst incident to date?

I’m not quite sure what it is exactly but there’s something about my songs that make the people that don’t like them really angry. Probably the worst incident was ending up having a fist fight on stage with a drunk bloke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, who after I clumped him ended up spitting in my face.

At the Edinburgh Fringe

I have had stacks of

walkouts, which make

you wonder what people

expected from an act

called Kunt and the Gang

Lovely! Has anyone ever booked you by mistake, like a children’s birthday party or bar mitzvah?

No, but I’m sure judging by some reactions that people have come to see me by mistake. At the Edinburgh Fringe I have had stacks of walkouts, which make you wonder what people expected from an act called Kunt and the Gang.

What about Gary Glitter, a media scapegoat? Do you think the leader could pull off a comeback? There are whispers in the schoolyard.

I definitely think Glitter could make a comeback, thanks to Jimmy Savile. Gary’s special cuddles with a few select oriental kids pale into insignificance compared with Savile’s scattergun approach to noncing throughout the 60s and 70s.

When Kunt is out and about town, is it difficult to escape constant public recognition? Do you use any disguises so you can go about your day-to-day business?

Being a minor internet hit singer means I am just minor internet famous, so you don’t have to deal with the trials and tribulations of TV fame one of those cunts from The Only Way Is Essex might encounter. That said I do sometimes wear a disguise. I have been known to go shopping in Basildon town centre dressed up as Ronald McDonald.

The last time I finished my trip by going in McDonald’s, putting on an American accent and pretending it was a spot visit.

Some of our readers may be unaware, so can you tell us about the ‘Dirty Protest’ you are involved in?

This Sunday (15th December) I will be carrying out the world’s first ever-virtual dirty protest, against Simon Cowell and the X-Factor’s monopoly of the Christmas chart. I will be doing this by tweeting Simon Cowell a photo of my jobbies down the pan, with the hashtag #dirtyprotest – I urge you to join in. Details of how can be found at www.katg.co.uk

Well the question on people’s lips is: Simon Cowell, is he gay?

I’ve got to be honest; I’m not sure whether Simon sticks his sausage in a tuppence or a fudge tunnel. I’m not trying to avoid the question.

I just can’t imagine him doing anything apart from pulling a smug face while wanking in front of a mirror.

Deep deep down you would like to appear on Britain’s Got Talent and appear in front of Her Majesty, wouldn’t you?

Of course I would like to go on Britain’s Got Talent. I’d get done up all posh, and make a proper effort. Then when it came to my bit on stage I’d just wank and cry until I was dragged off the stage.

I think I overheard that Boris Johnson is a big Kunt fan. I think Boris uses a John Frieda serum for his golden locks. What product maintains the sculptured style of the Kunt barnet?

I cannot divulge that info. It is a mixture of miscellaneous product, which is as closely guarded a secret as Colonel Sanders’s recipe

A small town boy done good, Essex seems to be your spiritual home, but having toured the country extensively are you tempted to move out to a luxury retreat in the shires?

Essex is not my spiritual home, but is my actual home. I would say Benidorm is more like my spiritual home. I never feel more at ease than sitting there in shirtsleeves, sipping a beer that cost about a quid, watching a lady in her 70s pull items out of her fanny. Paradise.

You must be raking it in at the moment. Do you want to send out a message to the people out there scraping by on minimum wage or struggling on benefits?

I wish I was raking it in. Once you take into account the petrol these days and the cost of a Travelodge to have a lonely wank in after a gig, it’s not that easy to make a living off touring round. I often meet bands who have a little following like me but because there’s more than one of them can’t make it pay.

The only way I’ve ended up doing this is because it’s just me (and Little Kunt of course, but he’s happy with a couple of bags of Haribo and a wank-mag).

Your tributes to Amy Winehouse, ‘Amy (It’s a terrible shamey)’ and Michael Jackson were quite touching. Sad casualties of the pressures of fame. How are you avoiding a similar end, what keeps you grounded: yoga, meditation, or another method of spiritualization?

I have discovered a new method of relaxation; it’s called ‘chillaxing’ and combines both chilling out and relaxing.

I’m always up for some of that, especially since the neighbours’ kids appear to have left home and I have just finished my new patio. Both have their merits but what’s your preference there, decking or patio?

As Fred West would say, you can’t get rid of a dismembered corpse under decking.

Apart from being dexterous with an organ we have seen you on the Internet as a bit of a kazoo virtuoso. Is there any other talent you want to share that we may be unaware of?

No, that’s pretty much my full repertoire.

What are your plans for 2014?

I’m gonna make a load of new videos and before I start my tour in September, I’ve got a stack of ideas which I’ll sift through and fashion into a new album. My favourites so far are ‘I Love You Mate (But Your Wife’s A Cunt)’, ‘Do You Remember When I Bummed You Off In The 80s?’ and ‘Has Anyone Licked Out Susan Boyle Yet?’

Sounds like we are in for some real future classics. It’s that festive time of year and the usual tragic Christmas compilation CDs are being advertised, sadly minus Gary Glitter’s ‘Another Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas’. You previously gave us the gift of ’12 Days Of Christmas’. Are you planning another Christmas classic to counter the usual pile of shite, and have you a particular Christmas favourite of your own?

Fair play to Gary Glitter, I heard ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll Christmas’ on a pound shop’s Xmas tape last year so either it slipped through the net or the season of forgiving has worked its magic. If pushed I’d say my favourite Christmas related song is Jona Lewie’s ‘Stop The Cavalry’.

I’ve no other festive tunes planned, but I released an album of my own Christmas songs in 2011, Kunt and the Gang Kiss You Under The Camel Toe.

Have you considered penning something for an advert for the big retailers? Everybody’s doing it.

I think my song ‘Santa’s Sack’ would be perfect for the John Lewis Christmas ad campaign but there seems to be a big industry conspiracy against me for some reason.

Christmas day in the Kunt household, what’s going to be the highlight?

It’s a quiet one this year. Since he released his solo album Little Kunt’s been off round his new bird’s most of the time, I hardly see him. So it’s just me and Mike in the flat. After dinner we’ll probably stick on a Bond film and play our Josef Fritzl inspired board game, House Trap – ‘Throw the dice, chance your luck, escape from the basement before dad wants a fuck’.

With that lasting image of festive warmth and merriment we thank you for you time Kunt. We know you are a busy bloke but would you like to leave us with a Christmas message for our readers?

Yes. Well done if you’ve made it to the end here, this was quite an extensive grilling. Have a Merry Xmas and I hope 2014 brings you everything you wish for.

Unless you’re a paedo, then I hope you get caught you filthy, twisted cunt.

Photo by Carl Byron Batson. Not to be reproduced without prior permission.

Carl Byron Batson
About Carl Byron Batson 306 Articles
Photographer, published poet, former party animal, body builder, grave robber to the stars and renowned chainsaw juggler, Carl can often be spotted on his Harley Davidson pretending to be in Terminator 2. He is also frequently seen in the press pits of old London town, camera in hand, avoiding being hit by bottles of wee and crippling his opposition with secret Kung Fu moves.

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