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Mounty. Mount Me. A Love Story (kinda)

Had she really been sleeping naked next to this hulking, muscular man for the last few days? She had more game in a coma then she ever did fully conscious.


Lisa Holloway looked up into the crashing, thunderous water in front of her and smiled.

She was on vacation with her sister’s family at Niagara Falls. The kids were a mess, all goofy smiles and nervy energy, but they were nice enough. Lisa was not good with kids. At 24 she had relegated herself to a happy isolation, free of children or husbands, for that matter. But, she could still “handle” kids by treating them like small animals that needed to be fed and things. And it was working. Lisa’s sister hadn’t caught on, even when Lisa tried to give her son a chicken bone to “play with”. For some reason it went unnoticed.

Maybe because Lisa was being used by her older sister Teresa, as a bit of a pawn, meant to provide a buffer between Teresa, her husband and the kids. Teresa herself had been using the time to get her mojo back with her husband. She saw a movie about it: Mojo. niagara-falls

“What an obnoxious word”, Lisa thought. “I hate that fucking movie”, she later added, as if to put an exclamation point on her previous thought.

But Lisa was fine with Teresa working it out with her husband. She would run around Niagara Falls with the two kids and click pictures of them in various staged precarious situations. She got the littlest one, Mikey, to climb a tree and act scared, eyes wide, mouth agape. Click. Sean, the oldest, pretended to choke on his weird jumbo pretzel. Click. Mikey started juggling knives. Click. Click. Click.

Lisa was enjoying herself, treating the kids like a combination of mime and animal. She coined the phrase thusly: “MIMANIMAL: The wordless physical re-enactment of various situations given to you by an audience member/friend. Like a mime you act out silently. Like an animal you do what you are told. MIMANIMAL”.

Lisa pursed her soft, full lips together, tilting her head to the side. Her green eyes lit up as she worked out her next composition: Mickey simulating throwing Sean over the edge of the waterfall. Her taut, lithe body shone in the sun as she extended her graceful arms in direction to both little boys. They had apparently gotten off of the beaten path and were somehow allowed to creep closer to the edge of the falls. Past the tourists, past the fence and now over the falls.

Mikey grabbed Sean.

“That’s it, that’s it. Mikey look crazier.” Lisa directed.

“Like this?” Mikey was concerned.

“No, no, like more arms. More arms Mike.”

“Like this?”

“Um… yea, that’ll do. Now just get a little closer to the edge….”

As she said this a security guard crawled through the hole in the fence and yelled at them while reaching for his gun.


“WAIT! I’ve almost got the shot!”


His gun was out, and much like the words springing from his mouth, made the kids nervous. Simon made a dash away from Mikey who followed suit as the cop made a move towards Lisa. He grabbed her, she kicked and scratched his arms and pushed away. She tripped and fell off of the edge. She turned and grabbed the edge of the cliff, feeling the strength of the water rushing now directly behind her.

The weight of the gushing falls was being bore directly on Lisa’s shoulders as she struggled to keep her grip. Her fingers failed her and the water swept her down into a profound darkness.

Days passed. People looked for her. She was pronounced dead by authorities, her lifeless body presumed to be lost in the dark waters.



Jack swung his axe rhythmically against the firewood, splitting it all perfectly in time in the crisp autumn air. Jack had the day off and was using his time to prepare for the upcoming winter. His retriever, Gandalf, meanwhile was content to sniff around the forest close to the log cabin they shared.Illustration by Dan Booth

Jack, a Canadian Mounty, was spending his autumn serving the Queen in the Canadian Woods, watching for forest fires. The government provided him with a small salary and a cozy log cabin overlooking the forest and the river below in exchange for constant vigilance on his part. Jack was tall, an easy six feet, with broad shoulders, a shock of dark wavy hair and piercing icy blue eyes. He tilted his square jaw to the light streaming through the trees. He felt at peace here.


Ever since the death of his wife so many years ago in the City he felt better here in the woods. He wiped his brow and slicked his hair back from his face as he looked for another log to chop. It was cool outside but the heat he had worked up from chopping wood all day inspired him to take his shirt off, revealing his tan, muscular build glinting with sweat in the sun. Jack took a long drag off of a mixture of Old English and Orange Juice. He called it a “Brass Monkey”.

Jack looked around and realized that he was erect. He looked around more and realized that Gandalf was gone. He looked around again and realized that he had smoked way too much weed like 30 minutes before chopping shit up. “Fuuuuck”. Jack thought. “Wait, where’s… where’s… Gandalf??”, and so he began his slow and somewhat uneasy way through the woods in pursuit of his dog.

Gandalf had done this before and seemed to always end up by the water. “Fuck, wet dog smell. “ Jack thought as he vaulted over a log and down the hillside towards the water. He could finally hear Gandalf’s barking over the rush of the water. He then remembered that he was trying to find Gandalf and not simply peeing in the stream, which he was in the middle of doing. “Fuuuuck.”, he spit in the air.

It was at this point that he turned, dick in hand, to see Gandalf dragging something in the distance. Gandalf barked and tugged for quite some time till Jack could make it over to him and see what was the matter. Jack’s eyes widened, for in Gandalf’s slobbering mouth was a human arm, lifeless and limp between the dog’s pointy white teeth. Jack’s eyes widened when the long arm revealed the beautiful, naked body of Lisa Holloway.

Jack put his dick in his pants and approached the happy dog and the cold dead fish body laying beside him. Even after having been ravaged from her exposure to the weather, the girl’s body still excited Jack, in a weird way. He reached for her neck to check her pulse. Nothing. He bend down over her, gave her mouth to mouth, then used his strong hands to push any excess water out of her chest.


He turned her on her side and slapped her back, until she began to choke and spit up water and bile, her breasts heaved and shook as she spit the water up, Jack couldn’t help but take notice: after all, they were indeed ample. Dare I say symmetrical? Yes. Yes I dare say such a thing. Her funbags were crazy legit.

He took her naked body up in his strong arms, holding her up to his warm chest and began to walk back up the hill towards the cabin with Gandalf in tow. His arms were shaking by the time he reached is front porch with Lisa in his arms. Kicking the door in with his foot he carried her over the threshold, through his house and into his bedroom, where he laid her down.

Over the next three days Jack cared for this unknown woman in his cabin. She showed signs of improvement by the third day and regained consciousness in the middle of the night. Jack was sitting bedside in a rocking chair hitting a bong and listening to records when Lisa sprang to life.

“What? Where… where am I?”

“You were lifeless, by the river when I found you. I took you here to care for you.”

“Where’s.. here? And who are you?”

“Here is my cabin. And I’m Jack. I’m a Canadian Mounty.” He offered her a hand and as he did so she couldn’t help but notice how large and strong his hands were. Then she couldn’t help but notice the strong, muscular arms they were attached to. And lastly, she couldn’t help herself from noticing his kind, beautiful face, which was now looking down at her helpless naked body.

“Wait! Why am I naked?”

“Oh… well, you were struggling with hypothermia so….”

“So you stripped me of all my clothes to keep me warm??”Illustration by Dan Booth 13

“Um, well, I’ve been sleeping next to you. ‘Skin to skin’. Its an old fur trapper trick. You keep a body warm best by sleeping naked together side by side.”

She blushed, her cheeks flushing with hot blood. Had she really been sleeping naked next to this hulking, muscular man for the last few days? She had more game in a coma then she ever did fully conscious. Way more. Jack noticed her embarrassment.

“Look, nothing happened. You would have died if I hadn’t been keeping you warm….”

“No.. no, you had to do what you had to do.” She smiled. “But can I get some clothes now Jack? I don’t feel like walking around naked in front of a strange man. Even if you DID save my life.”

“Oh, yes, certainly. Let me find you something.” He looked around his bedroom for clothes for her, eventually finding a flannel shirt and some old canvas trousers. She took them and put them over her small frame, only to have them nearly fall off all over again. She looked up, Jack was gone. She was left only with a curious Labrador named Gandalf for company.


As the search party finished combing the surrounding forests Mikey and Sean punched each other saying dirty things. Their mother and father were in a room surrounded by men in uniform, all asking the same questions:

“Could your sister swim?” “Did she know her way around a forest?” “Did she have a sound mind? Could she remember the policeman scaring her to the edge of the cliff? Did she realize it was for her own good?”

The policemen were looking for liabilities. Sean and Mikey were looking for a good time. So was Gandalf. Who currently was humping a log he had found.

But, in the cabin, things were simple and warm. Jack was steaming tea while Lisa was lounging around in her new slouchy hand me downs.

“How long you been out here?”

“Oh, not too long.” He steamed more tea.

“How long is not long for a guy like you? Seems like you’ve got it pretty much figured out, what with your tea and Gandalf running around.”

Through the window Gandalf pumped the log forcefully.

“Oh, well, like five years. On and off. Not all at once.”

“Oh…that’s a long time… alone….”Lips

At this she looked at his shirtless back, broad and powerful perspiring ever so slightly because of the heat from the kettle. Her eyes grazed down to his backside and for a fleeting moment she pictured his round ass pumping up and down furiously between her legs. She shook her head. Looked outside. Gandalf was going at the log. STILL. She shook her head again. And there Jack was. Standing over her.

“Here’s your tea.”

“Oh! Oh… yes.. my tea…”

“Do you like cream?”

Lisa’s cheeks flushed red, with wetness in between her sweating thighs.

“Um.. yes. I do… So….”


“Did you have a girlfriend out here? Like a backwoods bridesmaid?” She wanted to slap her forehead for such a dumb term.


“Oh… you know, ‘backwoods bridesmaid’, it’s a thing.”

“Really? Well, in that case, no. No I did not have a ‘backwoods bridesmaid’. No farmers’ daughters either. Or a shotgun wedding for that matter. But, you know, I get it where I find it.”



Jack had no idea what he was talking about. He was stoned out of his mind. He looked at Lisa through his drug addled haze and saw her nipples rising through his loose fitting flannel shirt. His haze cleared just enough for his manhood to swell with quick blood, making his Jeans shrink significantly. This was not lost on Lisa who was near breathless. Her chest rose quickly as she picked up her tea, pursing her moist lips together and blew it cool. She continued:

“I just thought, that, well a guy like you would have someone…”

“A guy like me?”

“You know…”

Jack crossed the room, and licked his lips.

“No, I’m not sure I do. That flannel shirt…”

He reached for the collar opening it slightly. Lisa’s body rose like a wave.

“It’s pretty loose… You know, I don’t get many visitors out here. I mean, you’re right. I haven’t been around many people in a long time… its nice to simply be beside another human being. To… feel them.”

Lisa stood up to face him. She put her hands on his rippling chest. He shivered in response, his breath becoming noticeably faster.

“Yes… well, I suppose it has been a long time. For the both of us.” Lisa bent down and kissed his chest. Jack caressed her hair as she pecked his nipples. Her pecks became longer kisses, from one spot to another. Her lingering kisses went from his chest to his neck and finally to his full, waiting mouth. Their tongues tentatively shot in and out of each others’ mouths. Flicking each others’ teeth.

Jack’s strong hands reached for the opening of her shirt. They threaded through the opening, grabbing her heaving breasts, fingering her pointed, jewel-like nipples, massaging them. Her probing hands in turn felt down his rigid stomach to his pants. She felt the strain they were under. His throbbing manhood awaited her delicate touch. The button to his jeans nearly popped off from the stress she finally released. Her hands plunged deep into his trousers and were dwarfed by the sheer size of cock.

With one hand staying the course around his “man bat” (that’s like baseball sex talk) she quickly slipped her other hand round to feel his powerful, muscular backside. By now Jack had stripped her shirt quickly off, popping all of the buttons down the way. Her breasts flopped out and into his waiting mouth. He licked and sucked her nipples, filling his open mouth with all she had to offer. Her insides became slick and flooded with anticipatory juices. Jesus, this paragraph is INTENSE. And almost gross. Anyways:

He flung her up onto the table she was sitting on, spilling the tea on the floor, breaking the cup. She hit the table hard, square on her back.

“Oh JACK!” she screamed.

He slid off her trousers, revealing her slick, glistening love. He licked the insides of her thighs and filled her with his light flicking tongue.

“Jack! JACK!”

He stayed there and tasted her insides until she could barely take anymore.

Gandalf at this point had finished with the log and was now in the kitchen. His head tilted. Bored. (Jealous).

Lisa grabbed Jack’s hair, pulling her up her stomach leading him to stand up, between her strong legs, which were now wrapped around him. He sheathed his throbbing manhood deep inside her slowly, stopping slightly only to begin again, revealing even more of himself, inch by blessed crazy fucking inch.

She received him gratefully, moaning loudly as he built up a steady, pounding rhythm. Gandalf turned away in disgust.


The bright light slid through the window and then her closed lids. Lisa was awakened by a sound at the door. She looked to find that she was the only one in the bed. Jack was talking to a man outside. Lisa froze. The man was looking for her. The search had finally rested on the Mounty’s porch and it was time for her to go. She buried herself under the covers. “Shit” she thought.

The memory of last night was still rattling her body. She couldn’t leave. She just couldn’t.

Mounty. Mount Me. Photo: Skeeze.
Illustrations: Dan Booth

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